Chasing Memories

As I near the end of my senior year, I found myself thinking about Janelle a lot. (To be honest, I do every single day, but I have even more than usual). There is a lot of mixed emotions that occur. It may seem difficult to understand unless you have lived through this position, but to those who have, I hope you can connect to this.

First things first, I will say one year and four(ish) months later, I will say that it isn’t a reality that is easier to accept. Recently, a friend and I were discussing our feelings, and how it is so challenging a year later to accept that you are gone. Sometimes there is feelings of guilt, the questions of “was I there for you enough?”, “do I have the right to feel the way I am feeling?”, “I know others have it worse than me”, and they’re definitely strong enough feelings to keep you up all night thinking. Feeling absolutely crazy for not feeling happy, even in moments you knew were supposed to be. What I keep in my heart was our four years of being inseparable best friends, and how important we were to each other as best friends. I find myself every night thinking of memories of us, as well as searching through pictures and videos hoping that more memories will form in my brain. Hoping something funny will pop up and remind me of you.

Recently, I found a picture of your dog Rascal that I took the first time I ever slept over your house, December 22, 2012. Absolutely wild to be that that was 8 years ago, because that our friendship really formed. Unfair that we don’t have more time. I laugh knowing that your dog Rascal actually became a part of our last conversation together as well, I feel like that was a full circle moment for us. When I met you, I remember Holly wanting to hang out with us during our sleepover, and sometimes you would let her, and sometimes you would give her a hard time, which weirdly made me feel a felt of comfort because it reminded me of the sister bond my sister and I have. As a little sister, I would often try to hang with my sister and her friends, even if she yelled at me. For the record, Holly, I really loved hanging out with you and was so happy you hung out with us at our sleepover!! I love you!!

I also found many pictures of us cheering, which March 8, 2015, was our very last competition together. There is a lot of funny pictures from that day, some of us together posed, one even of me frowning because you had already made me take too many pictures together that day. Some pictures of me trying to crash the pictures of your grade, because I always pretended I was in your grade. Sometimes our own coaches weren’t even sure what grade I was in. Not sure they would even know now.

Another video of you yelling at me because I was recording your stunt group. I love hearing the sound of your voice, bossing me around as I was trying to rebel and do just about everything but what you were telling me to do. I miss getting to sit next to you on the bus every week, and pass out the bagels everyone ordered, reading the list off of the notes in your phone, and passing around the bagel world cream cheese you always brought too.  

I even found the beautiful “music” videos that I would send you of me singing. I am pretty sure that you were literally the only person who found them funny, I kind of think other people were scared by them, and rightfully so. Katy Perry’s “Roar” was definitely my most famous video, and its literally so scary, I have no idea how you ever wanted to be my friend after I sent you that! (It was pretty early in our friendship too, so you must have been a little crazy too!).

I found some pictures of when Emily and I had babies for our childhood development class, and everyone taking turns feeding them, and/or giving them head traumas (probably why I got a 70 on the project). Us doing things, or going places, our parents for sure did not want us doing. Pictures of us at DECA, I remember practicing our presentation, that I am pretty sure you did all I work for. Going to sophomore semi, where I was so scared because everyone was upperclassmen, but I knew because I was going to be okay, knowing you had my back. (Which is funny now because I am now friends with all of those people). Going to the Julie fund walk, and getting really ugly caricatures drawn of us, pictures of you opening your senior gift, that we worked so hard to buy you and just about a thousand other seniors, our team posing for the same picture with our first-place trophy and our fourth-place trophy.

There is literally so many happy memories that I always hold in my heart, and I hope that I never forget. I’m not completely sure of the reason for this post except to tell you that I miss you a lot Janelle, and that it feels weird getting to live this life, especially some of my happiest memories without you. It feels weird to enjoy my second semester of college, knowing you never got to. It feels weird to laugh with my friends, or tell them stories, knowing they will never actually get to meet you. I will say, you made me appreciate the friends that I do have so much more. Where would I be without them? I am so happy for the time that we had together, and the memories that I get to keep. I love you so much, and I hope you are with me for this final half a semester of college, as well as the rest of my life. Forever creating more memories.